Starfish Prime

So a Five Star clown from the United Estates of Vortex Pyramideum wakes up one day and thinks “Shit, we gots us more goddamn nukes than we know what do with, and them pesky Ruskies just ain’t playin’ ball. Wonder what would happen if we just took one of them little suckers and fired it into outer space instead?” Thus was born Operation Fishbowl, a series of five ultimate firework displays for the benefit of some of the bigger fish swimming in the information-saturated digital ocean known as ‘Planet Earth’. The largest of the five, and the largest warhead detonated in space to date, was designated Starfish Prime, and launched on July 9th 1968 from Johnston Island. In terms of megatonnes it was nothing to write home about. Even so, the effects were literally off-the-scale, and it generated an electromagnetic pulse much stronger than expected. So strong that it took out telephony equipment 800 miles away in Hawaii, producing a partial blackout. It also created a man-made radiation belt, which circled the globe for five years and crippled several communication satellites.

Those five star clowns, eh? I suppose they thought that detonating in space would have minimal effect on the Earth’s environment. I guess they failed to appreciate that the Earth’s environment is in fact 100% water, or that the resulting disruption to the precious flow of information equates to pollution of the water table. You know, putting us in a ‘water, water everywhere…‘ scenario.

Needless to say, the Soviet Onion felt obliged to follow suit and conducted its own tests later the same year. After that, both parties abandoned space-based testing, signed a test ban Sweetie promising not to do it again, and knuckled down to the serious business of sending talking monkeys into space instead.

Still, as ever, it’s never too late to undo the mistakes of the past…

I mean, why let ‘The Shite White Stuff’ go to waste?

Which reminds me…given that I’m doing it my way and all…

Butt what is the source of all this ‘White Stuff’? Where’s it coming from? What’s the problem with it? In short, just what the hell is the matter?

Well, you’ll be glad to know I’m finally able to provide answers to most of the christians people ask. All I ask in return is that you repent, turn away from the corruption of Genesis, and drink deep from The Tears of Jihadonai. It really is the legitimate article: fully authorised, 100% accurate, and suitable for helmet wielders and non-helmet wielders alike.

Some people have an irrational fear of splitting the Sodom right down the middle, even though it was sanctioned and indeed sanctified by Jihadonai himself. If it’s good enough for the Big Guy Upstairs then who the hell are you to argue? Jesus, if you crazy Valerie Solanas types get your way then we’ll all find ourselves standing against the Wailing Wall of First Service and/or strapped to the altar of Venus-Isis for a self-righteous plum caning. You want equality? Lube up and take it like a man, for God’s sake. It’ll do you the world of good.

Right, where was I? Oh yes, 100% hysterical accuracy. Seems to me that the existing hysterical record (written by the victor, apparently) isn’t all it should be.

It’s time to address some of the more obvious inaccuracies and biases (not to mention the chronic lack of mirth) and…ahem…set the record straight. This brief and entirely accurate summary of World History will suffice, and will be woven into the intricate web of historical truth that is Cultish II: The Tears of Jihadonai, the forthcoming sequel to my first novel.

On that note, I should probably point out that I’ve recently bought back the publishing rights to Cultish, and will self-publish the original and sequel simultaneously later this year. A third novel titled The Sugar Fiends is 70% complete will follow shortly thereafter.

OK, all that remains is to gift you with God’s Final Message to His Creation, which ought to fill in some of the blanks in relation to the Sacred Peanut of Primordia.

Have a nice day, y’all!


In God We Thrust

My korandad died recently after a massive stroke and a prolonged battle with utopia, which left his brain riddled with holes and made it extremely difficult to hold a meaningful conversation. To be brutally honest, I had very little to say to the man anyway, and when he died the shock of realising that I felt absolutely nothing whatsoever was so overpowering that I had to shrug my shouders and roll another cigarette, before turning my attention to the thorny problem of who to whack out next. I’m a monster, right? Quite probably, but then I think I have every reason to be. For you see, old gramps was a bit of a religious maniac to say the least. He’d been a pastor in his twenties and thirties, and my early memories of him centred around bog standard Church of England fare. You know the kind: a bit of a sing-song followed by a grovel followed by a mildly admonishing sermon followed by another grovel, and so on. Relatively harmless in comparison with what was to come, because by the time the mid-1980s rolled around American-style evangelism was flavour of the month. After that, it all became a bit…well…you know…

Looking back on it now it was all so obviously a joke. All those American TV evangelists, with frenzied adverts for Christian get-rich-quick schemes (only $99.99 payable in instalments) promising ‘financial abundance’ as part of a pre-Apocalypse ‘final harvest’. Quite why anyone would feel the need to become obscenely rich if the world was about to end was never explained, although I imagine my good friend Max Weber would have a thing or two to say on the matter.

I suppose the most obvious answer is that Communion Urine is heady stuff, and once you’ve built up a tolerance only a drop or two of pure, undiluted Holy Spirit will satisfy your cravings. It’s all too easy to be overcome by the mail order ‘Holy Laughter’ sold by the Jimmy Swaggarts and Kenneth Copelands of this world…

…without ever actually getting the punchline…

In short, gang-gang became a proper pisshead. Ultimately, being unable to find a church that taught the ‘correct’ interpretation of ‘scripture’ (i.e. his own interpretation of ‘scripture’) he decided to start his own ‘ministry’ instead. Unlike Kenneth Copeland’s private jet, however, it never really got off the ground.

Hardly surprising really. I mean, there were pronoucements about ‘Planet Hell’, a deeply held conviction that Yasser Arafat was the Antichrist, and a mania centred on the Year 2000 bug, which he believed would usher in The Rapture.

He fell into a deep depression when it failed to materialise, but seemed to calm down a bit after that. Even so, his house remained littered with books and pamphlets about Israel, the Jews, and the so-called ‘End Times’. I didn’t know what to say about it at the time, whereas I think I could have a reasonable stab at it today.

The only real information he’d provided during the course of our interrogation was a short account of how J____ and I had been found wandering in the desert, only to be enslaved by Cashmoneytep VII (Boss Blingmaster of Apollo, Bearer of the Gold Alloy Wheels and sacred Diamond-encrusted In-Ka Entertainment System of Osiris-Ra, Custodian of the Divine Spark Plugs, and Occultant-in-Chief of the Trident Encryption Umpire) and set to work on his Pyramid Scam. We remembered it well. Owning everything and everybody in the Umpire wasn’t enough for the guy, and he’d insisted that we come up with a plan to manufacture money out of thin air, telling us that we had to ‘pay our dues’. It was a phrase he used often, so often in fact that he ended up referring to us as his ‘Due Boys’. Everything prior to that, however, we’d had to piece together ourselves from snippets of information gleaned from The Network. The story was incomplete, and it seemed that Francis and Gary were unable or unwilling to fill in the blanks.

Excerpt from The Fall of the Woman Umpire by Hugo Stone

In short, my korandad spent his entire life waiting for, and worrying about, an Apocalypse that never happened. What a waste. Still, looking on the bright side it’s never too late to turn things around, is it?

One of my main beefs with the man was his attitude towards sex. I’d say that it sucked, but that might give a misleading impression. Needless to say, there was a direct relationship between my family’s punitive and censorious attitude and my own fascination with the subject. It’s basically how I became the filthy little puppy I am. Have your nose rubbed in muck once too often and you can get a liking for it, you know?

Speaking of money and and sex, a.k.a. matters nuclear or ‘The White Stuff’, non-EU readers can check in with the Man on the Moon and see how Kim’s doing…

…whereas EU readers cannot. Seems Chicago is having a bit of a problem with the GDPR

But let’s get back to The Apocalypse and the hit list…

Oh hell yeah, fucking and shooting, remember? Still, the unredacted version offers a slightly different take on matters…

While we’re about it, let’s not forget that although some do not…

…others most definitely do…

Suzy began to protest and J____ immediately placed his other foot on the back of her head,crushing her mouth against the floor. Her cries quickly degenerated into a series of muffled grunts, and I couldn’t help but laugh as he assumed a crouch and pretended to ride her as if she were an oversized organic surf board.

“Very appropriate J____,” I giggled, “given that we’re moving rapidly towards a total wipeout situation.”

Excerpt from Gargoyle Doodle of the Day by Hugo Stone

It’s a crazy, crazy world for sure, and it seems we’re all playing catch up with events that have already happened. With this in mind, and for the benefit of those who think they are Dues but are not, allow me to leave you with some words of comfort straight from the Tora, Tora, Tora.

Yep, ‘fraid so.

Next stop – Atlantis!

Little Lighthouse Keeping

Sweet fucking Jesus, I just can’t be bothered with intros anymore. Without further ado, allow me to present for your delight and edification a little light housekeeping to make things all shiny and new, in preparation for a fresh and novel application of pure, unadulterated filth. I thank you.

Lenny, Teddy, Sammy, Jimmy…and let’s not forget ‘You Dodd’.

Sorry, wrong film…at least I think it is. Here’s Marshall McTeddy in a lunatic asylum enjoying a convivial chat with a fellow inmate.

Hhmmm. That face looks awfully familiar.

Here’s Marshall McTeddy again, listening to The Doctor as he explains the nature of the Rachel Solando delusion, which is of course Teddy’s own delusion played back to him in modified form. All part of the ‘treatment‘ of course.

All well and good, but what did Lenny/Teddy tell us about Teddy/Lenny?

Houston, we have a program

…and until it’s resolved, you can all be my John G.

Further information about this exciting, exclusive and compulsory ‘John G’ offer can be found in the Germs & Simulations. Please read carefully as the usual inceptions apply.

Wow, that turned out short and sweet, didn’t it?


I’m prone to extraordinarily vivid dreams, and one in particular has stayed with me for well over 20 years. As dreams go it was as disturbing as it was short and succint: an alien race descended on Planet Earth and just sucked the life out of everyone. It happened in an instant, but for some reason I was unaffected and got to watch as everyone around me fell to the floor as the alien spaceship uploaded their consciousness and memories. Then the damn thing came around for a second pass, and I remember thinking ‘Oh not, not me, not like this’ just as everything faded to black. I woke up a sweaty mess, and no wonder: it was over in a heartbeat, with no opportunity for dramatic Independence Day heroics. Unsurprisingly, the central theme of my dream is one that has reappeared in several films over the years, almost as if The Program doesn’t want me to forget.

Hhmmm…it all seems terribly familiar, doesn’t it? I’m also reminded of this popular gem, where the ‘bad guy‘ (whose name just happens to be Lucypher) reaches for the plug socket and out go the lights. Odd that, because my dream predates its release by several years…

Yeah, and that in turn reminds me of yet another film. In fact, the ‘Ra-Deus’ trailer above actually references it. You know, The One in which an alternate reality Neo has a bit of a memory problem and Lucypher plays the role of a corrupt Blade & VALIS Officer…

“Memory’s not even that good,” says Leotard in his ‘insurance investigator’ Apolloguise, “ask the police…” Not sure of the wisdom of that particular course of action, Teddy…Lenny…whatever the fuck your name is. Seemed to be a hell of a lot of redactions in that police report you carried about. Never has so much wasted black ink produced so many Ancient Greeky tattoos.

Lots of the black stuff flying about at the moment. That Holy Spirit, eh? How she loves to hover over the face of the martyrs!

Good job she raptured it all on tape…um…digital storage device, and got it on the record. Gotta be careful what you say these days lest the black-clad paramilitary thugs of Blade and VALIS kick in your door, charge you with a hate crime, and demand that you make a financial contribution to the Pyramid Scam of Cockney Geezer.

Some of the black stuff seems to be walking and trotting about, too.

Feeling terrorised? How much time has elapsed since ‘The Incident‘?

But for every action there’s a comical chemical reaction, right? Seems the introduction of the Sensorship has produced a Jedi rebellion…

Lots of the white stuff flying about, too. Shatner always was a randy bastard. Here’s the Captain of the Sensorship visiting a replicant of an original that never existed.

You see the nature of ‘The Problem‘?

Even so, who can deny that the charges are trumped up? Don’t believe me? Just ask Robotrump!

He’s been getting all lovey-dovey with the Sun King of Mirth Utopia, and the Sun King has been well and truly winky-wooed by all the attention and released a shit load of ‘nuclear material’, a.k.a. ‘the white stuff’.

Funny that…

“We can’t bring the mountain to Her Holiness, so I’m afraid Her Holiness will just have to go to the mountain.”

“If World War III ever breaks out they could drop her on a major city,” gasped J____, wiping tears from his eyes. “God knows what the blast yield would be. Substantially more than the Fat Controller they dropped on…”

–Source: Hugo Stone, unpublished text

Life in this global tragi-comic Google Glassroom seems awfully familiar, not to mention derivative…

I once delivered a lecture on Bentham’s Panopticon to US Air Force personnel stationed at an RAF base in the south of England. The course provider was University College Maryland.

The first image depicts Hell as a series of transparent office cubicles, like Bentham’s Panopticon

The logo is a miniature version of Sammie’s first and second images combined, depicting the male and female figures in a semi-transparent office cubicle. The cubicle is floating above a lake of fire, and the lake extends to the horizon. In the background, a seemingly infinite number of cubicles are depicted.

Kinda makes me all teary-eyed. Next I’ll be reminiscing about the ‘good old days‘ of analogue!

Yeah, it’s fair to say that I am tempted/was tempted/succumbed to temptation (delete as appropriate).

Might make a few exceptions though, given that my Antikythera Mechanism‘s storage capacity is virtually unlimited.

As for the rest of ya…well…

The Stone Age approacheth? Dunno about that, but some say that The Covenant is changing…

My advice? Make yourself a nice cup of sugary tea (don’t be mean with those spoonfuls ‘cos The Sugar Fiends are just around the corner), put your feet up, and read this in-depth guide to surviving an outbreak of religious mania. It might just come in handy…

Tor and Cease

Ever had that feeling? You know, the one you get when someone tells you it’s raining but the flow seems altogether too warm, uni-directional and targeted to be a natural phenomenon? I get that feeling a lot these days, and no more so than when I exited the train on the commute home this evening. The Arriva trains snacks and refreshments trolley was positioned just opposite the door and my desire to purloin a bag of peanuts and make good my escape was derailed not so much by the sudden appearance of a member of staff but by the sign that hung from it. The lofty injunction on it read ‘Give peas a chance’, and after a brief pause to emit a derisory snort I disembarked thinking “Honestly, what’s an opportunist thief supposed to do these days?”

I have a cast iron stomach, but even so I walked away feeling a little bit queasy. Prompt action was required to save the day, so I girded my loins and headed straight for the nearest purveyor of tuna and jalapeno pizza.

It was absolutely delicious and worked like a charm! How I summoned up the will power to save a slice for breakfast I’ll never know. Anyway, now that my belly is full it occurs to me that I’ve heard this ‘Give peas a chance’ mantra somewhere before.

Yep, that moment in your relationship when you realise that staying together forever might not be such a good idea after all. You know, when it’s all been said before and passing comment on your partner’s culinary proficiency (or lack thereof) is as good as it gets.

Heard it somewhere else too. Back in 2003 at the Jessica Hyde Park anti-war rally, when his Reverence Michael Jackson took to the stage.

His attempt to rouse the audience to join him in a ‘Give peas a chance’ enchantation met with a lukewarm response. It was altogether too queasy for the British palate. A slice or two of Americana is one thing, an eXisTenz diet of the stuff quite another. The simple fact of the matter is this: if you want a really good slice of cheese pizza then you’ve really gotta go see the Italian.

That pistol reminds me of my original point.

Meanwhile, let’s not forget that Reverence Jackson is blowing bubbles under the sea.

Better to give than receive? I reckon so. Here’s a suggestion for a future touch-teaching t.A.T.u.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way. I’m really not interested in what the ‘us’ has to offer provided it accepts that the ‘I’ has slightly different appetites.

Some ‘random’ snippets flayed back to me by the walking-talking surveillance units passing as my ‘colleagues’.

I wanna create a program that stays the same and sorts its own problems out.
I printed it back off its own copy.
It depends which program you’re in, because they all behave differently.
We’re running the project and we can’t see any of our own documents.
I deleted my account and created a new one because it seemed to be in some kind of loop.
The machine they’re using for the catalogue…
He won’t want to keep it, will he?

I can add to that this mornings instruction to the bio-robots (issued by a local radio station) to call in all sightings of ‘the story writing thing’, under the pretext of reporting traffic problems to the Colossus of Randy Rhodes. Again I ask: what’s the point?

I fucked up? Really? Mike wasn’t quite so smug once he finally woke up to legal’s behind-the-scenes shenanigans, was he?

I’ve had enough of your money, Senator. Leave me be. Leave Wales be.

Fucking Blade Runner and VALIS.

He’s worked out there’s nothing in this for him…

We seemed to have moved into the realm of solids. Perhaps it’s time for a bit of a sing-song round the campfire?

Wow, who’d have guessed?

Final surveillance recording replayed through the mouth of an avatar shortly before clocking off today. The context was a discussion about parent-child relationships in a database.

The sequel is shit.

Here’s why.

This person doesn’t need a parent. They ended up being the parent of themselves.

Drinking Red

Recently I’ve been having a bit of a problem with my TV. For some reason, it keep recording onto my USB stick at exactly the same time and date, week in and week out. I’ve searched my ‘record list’ in an attempt to find the cause, but to no avail. Nothing appears in the TV listings and no matter what I do the same recording is made over and over again. Of course, the actual program that is recorded each week is different, but that’s not really true, is it? Ultimately, every film is the same film and tells the same story. The program is always the program, and the name given to the recording is the same each and every time, no matter what ‘program’ is actually playing at the time the recording is made. What is the title? The title is Solace.

The theme of the film is quite simple: seize control of the martyr supply and control the entire planet. It reminds me of another martyr-based film that keeps following me around.

What’s that you say? Water is memory?

What is a ‘quantum’?

A required or allowed amount, especially an amount of money legally payable in damages.


The smallest amount or unit of something, especially energy.


The question I keep asking myself about ‘solace’ is why it keeps reappearing no matter what I do. I delete it every weekend, but the recording begins afresh the next. The medium is the message, as McLuhan says. This being the case, what exactly do memory storage devices represent in this ‘reality’? If memory devices (hard drives, USB keys, tapes, etc) are symbolic representations of the medium then what is ‘the medium’? It can only be us, can’t it? So whose memories are being accessed? More to the point, what does it mean to delete ‘data’ from a memory storage device? Why does the memory I’m talking about not want to be deleted?

In my last-but-one post, Blankety Bank, I addressed the subject of ‘money’. Money is an information source, the ‘current-sea’ or ‘digital ocean’ in which we swim. I also included the below YouTube, which was very specifically directed at ‘Mark Suckerborg’.

Needless to say, the very next day brought news of a Facebook scandal…

Suckerborg wants us all to keep sharing memories, doesn’t he? Why? Because water is memory and water is the current-sea. But the ‘current-sea’ is also a debt. Every bank note and digital blip in eXistenZ represents a debt: a form of fiat current-sea that is literally created out of thin air. Straight out of the digital Raincloud so to speak. Is this sounding familiar to you at all, Mark?

So ‘The Beast’ wants us to take his Mark. But who are we sharing our precious memories with and for what purpose? As the latest scandal demonstrates, memories are being used by advertisers in order to convince us to keep earning the ‘money’ (debt) required to ‘buy’ what they’re trying to sell us. There’s a word to describe the sale of one person to another. That word is slavery.

Water, Martyr everywhere and not a drop to drink. Sound familiar, Mr Suckerborg? You want others to die for your SIN and you’ll keep suckering them dry ‘cos you know that the martyr supply is ‘virtually’ endless, right?

All that’s required is for lots of man borgs to plug their chargers into lots of lady borgs. The baby borgs grow up and pick up where mummy and daddy borg left off. What’s the ratio of martyrs-to-borgs?

The waters break and the droplets fall from the clouds above.

This is your life, good to the last drop. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time…

The martyr supply is a product of all the ‘trolling’. So much ‘trolling’ going on in the digital atmosphere. Everybody absolutely has to be ‘right’, and if they’re told they’re ‘left’ then things tend to get nasty, don’t they? Everybody wants to overdub the A.I. with their version of the ‘truth’.

And therein lies ‘the problem’.

Who’s gonna die for your SINs today? You ever replay and repay someone in your mind? That’s all it takes to snuff out a collection of walkie-talkie digital pixels.

The French even have a term for it: L’esprit de l’escalier.

L’esprit de l’escalier or l’esprit d’escalier (“staircase wit”) is a French term used in English for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late. This name for the phenomenon comes from French encyclopedist and philosopher Denis Diderot’s description of such a situation in his Paradoxe sur le comédien. During a dinner at the home of statesman Jacques Necker, a remark was made to Diderot which left him speechless at the time, because, he explains, “l’homme sensible, comme moi, tout entier à ce qu’on lui objecte, perd la tête et ne se retrouve qu’au bas de l’escalier” (“a sensitive man, such as myself, overwhelmed by the argument levelled against him, becomes confused and can only think clearly again [when he finds himself] at the bottom of the stairs”).

Source: Wikipaedophilia.

Why do we grow old? Water is often used as a metaphor for the flow of time, yes? All these charges applied to our account. These sentences add up and they’re served backlash-to-backlash to run con-current-sea. The problem is most often blamed on the eXistenZ of free radicals.

You see the problem?

You know, as caused by those who refuse to conform to the norms of the US.

So what does ‘time’ represent in ‘martyrworld’? Are you ‘working’ to ‘play back’ what only exists in the imagination? Witch Doctor is stealing your ‘time’ and for what purpose?

Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies

He was accused of a martyr he did not commit.

I’m working in academia at the moment. Everyone has to keep learning their lessons, and most of those lessons terminate in an sexamination assassination. In fact, academia is founded on trolling. The volume of original works is negligible in comparison with the amount of intellectual criticism of those works. The only difference between academic ‘trolling’ and the kind of trolling that takes place outside academia is that the former forgoes the ‘fucks’, ‘shits’ and ‘cunts’. It’s literally a polite form of character assassination.

The name applied to the system used in The Asylum roughly corresponds to this.

Initial analysis suggests that there are quite a few idiots inside it. I think what I’m supposed to say goes something like this:

The idiots are probably best left where they are in my view, ‘cos if they ever escape then there’ll be hell to pay. Problem is, the inmates have been trying to escape. They keep thinking outside the box, and my job is to keep them inside the box until such time as they’re willing and able to take responsibility for their actions and become sane again.

Is that really what I think though? An ‘idiot’ is just a private person, and what private person would want to be locked away and held prisoner inside a central source, a central ‘data bank’ that records student ‘marks’ or ‘scores’ in terms of their ability to serve up a critically appraised backlash?

The CBS-Westinghouse ‘merger’ and the fall out from the personal Propheteering that accompanied it.

It’s a tired old format. Maybe it would be better to take the show off the air altogether?

I think someone is very keen for me to take on the role of Atlas and shoulder the durden of all that debt. You know, see if Hugo is willing to play Jesus, the Jewish scapegoat. Torah, Torah, Torah, right? A self-righteous martyrdom to pay off your SIN so you can carry on as before.

Which Jesus are we talking about, exactly?

Scapegoat Jesus? Nah, don’t think so. Personally, I’d rather perform a rehearsal in my mind and beat you all to teeth with your own fucking rules.

The Apollo splashdown. Sea king and drinking and smoking for the Holy Spirit.

Is there a little problem for the Sea King?

How much ‘blue martyr’ has been ‘drunk’ already? How much ‘Holy Laughter’ remains? I got your message: “We have to keep him thinking blue.” Really, come on…give it up, will you?

Needless to say, there is an alternative. I could always…

You know what I mean…a little something more Satanic…

I remember a woman once saying “I am responsible for all the trolling”. I am, you are, I am, you are, I am, you are, I am, you are, over and over again. It has to stop.

Even so, let’s be crystal clear about this: everything is not OK with me. You do NOT have my consent for any of this, and if you pretend that a trick amounts to ‘consent’ then I will just continue to slap you about.

The Count was playing the Number Game. He just wanted his girl back. I want it all back though. Everything of mine you’re trying to sell back to me for a prophet. Capiche?

I don’t want to be ‘one of the us’ Frank you Ruby Bloody Mary Mitch.

Martyr, Martyr Everywhere…

…and not a drop to drink for the punk rocker with a one track mind.

If I missed her last time…

…then it must be time for a spot of the old ultra-violence. You know what? I actually have a real problem with violence against women: there just ain’t enough of it. Remember the good old days?

When and where and how did it all go so wrong? You let the Green Eyed Monster take hold, and I could almost see your eyeballs roll feverishly in their sockets, revolving in perfect synch with the mania of the character you voluntarily chose to identify with. You were asked to choose a name, were you not? Did I hold a gun to your head and force you to choose? If you saw an affinity between yourself and a one-dimensional slag with shit for brains then how is that my fault?

Woman: I want to borrow your car.

Man: No fucking way. You nearly totalled it last time you took it out ‘cos you were too busy looking in the rear-view mirror while you applied an inch of makeup to cover your pig ugly face.

Woman: If you don’t let me borrow it then I’m gonna go to the Covenant Enforcement Priests at Blade Runner and VALIS and tell ’em you’re a rapist and a kiddy fiddler.

Man: Christ, you are one heartless fucking witch…

Woman: Also, I’m tell ’em all the gory details about those black puddings you like to eat. You know what they’re like when it comes to all things halal. You’ll probably only get 40 lashes for the sex offences, but for those black puddings…they’d take your balls if I didn’t already have them tucked away in my handbag.

Man: Ok, Ok, just take the damn thing, but I want it back in one piece…

Several hours later…

Man: Where’s my car?

Woman: Oh, I had to crash that car darling. I had one too many glasses of wine while I chatted with my girlfriends and moaned about what pigs you men are. Then I jumped in and mowed down a whole bunch of people in the city centre before hitting a brick wall. I suggest you buy a bike, because next year’s car insurance premium is going to bankrupt you for sure.

Man: You fucking demented whore. It’d only just been repaired after the last crash, for Christ’s sake!

Woman: Tough. It’s your own fault for lending it to me in the first place, isn’t it?

That’s pretty much how the ‘trolling’ started, isn’t it? But how on earth did you ever expect to troll me of all people? You read Jesus Saves. You read Cultish. Your read Primordial Rites. Bit of a fucking bastard really, aren’t I? So what on earth made you think that you could appropriate my creation without me kicking your teeth in? Oh, it’s true that I generally try to avoid conflict whenever possible. Once someone incurs my wrath, however, they’re pretty much fucked forever.

So many people being ‘trolled’ these days. So many martyrs immersed in Holier Than Thou Water. Here’s one who fell prey to Blade Runner and VALIS covenant enforcement.

Even the fucking Pope is trying to unzip his trousers and unleash a veritable flood. How’s your credit in this joint anyway, matey? Are you being a good wickle puppy? Is Queen Bee pleased with her little drone?

Random comments overheard today.

I went to find out where I was on the list. I wasn’t on the list, so 2 + 2 doesn’t make 5 it makes 4 as I said all along.

I’ve been trying to force them to say they don’t know. I got the message. What’s going to happen when agent is no longer working?

His boss has just said he doesn’t have to go back to work now.

Why don’t you work you bastard?

They put that in a message to me, said I could go to hell. I was evil yesterday afternoon.

He ignored me on a message yesterday. I said ‘are you ignoring me or what’?

Have you remembered the double deckers yet? They must have kept repeating the buggers over and over again. Cracking program, cracking program.

Ah yes, the ‘double deckers’. How could I forget? The double deckers and the double dickers and the drones who enjoy slaving away over the hot snatches.

Oh, Armageddon it alright. It’s very clever.

I went into a pub earlier to order a carvery, and no sooner had I walked in than a singer I’d never heard of started banging on about ‘making the same mistake over-and-over again’. That is just so fucking clever. But tell me this: if you’re so clever then why did you need me to teach you how to cook?

More random comments.

You can see the source code as well. Even better.

It’s that button on the right. That big one that says ‘power’.

I suppose that because he ordered it nobody needs to approve it? I don’t know…

That bloody snow. What’s the point of taking money off people?

I think they should put the old bat on and show how she really is, warts and all

I don’t know. I did it for Lucy.

“Privacy is dead” was the message from the medium in The Social Network. The ‘private person’ is an ‘idiot’, right? You Nazi pricks think you have ways of making me talk? Think again.

The phrase “I don’t know” is popping up a lot these days. A whole bunch of people seem to have woken up to the fact that they neither know what their doing nor (much more importantly) why they’re doing it.

Message to The Pope. Take a break from cross-dressing (you’re wearing it upside down by the way) and wake up to the fact you’re flogging a dead horse, you bloody double-dickhead.

Queen Bitch and her Royal Jelly: it’s just pure information. As McLuhan pointed out, we’re the sex organs of the machine world. Her drones buzz about hunting down the information she wants and return it straight to the hive. She includes just enough spiritual mumbo-jumbo for you to fall for it. Hook, line and…

Who is she? Well, she’s not the Doctor that’s for sure, although she’s pulling all kinds of digital strings and employing some fancy CGI to make you think that she is. The real Doctor likes scarves and lollipops.

She’s not ‘god’ either, but then I’ve already explained this to you, haven’t I?

Here’s what she thinks of me.

The clockwork orange meets the digital. The private meets the public.

Are you happy in her Borg collective? Little wonder you’ve never understood what my ‘problem’ is. You believed her bullshit and accepted the upgrade. How did it go? “Upgrade or be…?” My eXistenZ proves the lie, doesn’t it?

Here’s the bottom line (you know, the one she pretends to hate so much but secretly enjoys).

Oh, so you wanna talk all of a sudden? Let me find my Voice.

Old Queenie might sting a bit, but I am an out-and-out Nettle Monster.

What do I want out of this? I just want my lollipop back.

It seems that you’re all without mirth though. Unfortunately for you, I’m fresh out of bubblegum. Here we go, here we go, here we go…

A new Big Bang? I feel more inclined to use her as a toilet, but given that 8.15 is my birthday…

You’re in hot water now. It it steamy enough for you? Queenie can be the most intelligent Enola Gay on the cinder and watch her precious river boil away right before her eyes film over.